Top Gun in 5 Minutes or Less

Here's some planes and cool 80's music. This movie will be fantastic! We so know what we're doing here. 

Planes flying

Hello I'm Tom cruise and I'm piloting a plane and young and sexy and NOT a crazy Scientologist weirdo and I can casually ride a motorcycle super well. 

Hello I'm Anthony Edwards and I will die and you know that and you will be sad but you will still watch even though you know I die because I am mildly attractive and will end up on ER which will be like super popular.

Oh you guys, what a bunch of jokers! Haha.

I'm Val Kilmer and I'm like barely in this movie but I'm also incredibly attractive and we all have adorably sexy nick names for each other which people will reference for like, ever. 

Here's some attractive men talking.

Here we are randomly in a bar and singing a song together to a lady who none of us know. Isn't this nice?

And actually Anthony Edwards might be a good singer if Tom Cruise didn't totally be a diva and take over the scene. Anthony Edwards got screwed all around in this movie. 

Oh, hey, that lady we creepily sang to last night, yeah, apparently she's our teacher. She's hot.

Planes flying. 

Dammit Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards, why can't you just follow the rules???

Gratuitous shirtless, sweaty, sexy men playing volleyball.

Hey let's have some sex...wait nevermind.

We're going to make sure you know thatAnthony Edwards has a family so that way you are EXTRA sad when he dies.

Okay, now lets really have sex because I've decided I'm in love with you even though we've only shared like two sexual tension filled conversations together. This was the part where my parents and or babysitter would put me to bed. Now that I watch it its akin to a children's show. If my parents and or babysitter saw the movies I'm watching now I think they may have a stroke. You don't want me to watch the super tame sex scene of Top Gun? Alright, well lets just watch Human Centipede instead.

More plane stuff.

More group singing only this time it's sad cause you know what's about to fuckin happen.

Goose dies :0 what the fuckin fuck??? Nobody saw that coming!

Sad

Everyone is sad

 Look here, Tom Cruise I understand you're like super sad, but if you want this movie to work you need buck the fuck up. You're still a pilot dammit Tom Cruise, so shut up and fly!

Planes flying but Tom Cruise is totally not feeling it cause of the sadness.

He's SO sad you guys.

Okay, I know you're sad, but seriously there's some important flying shit that you and Val Kilmer need to do right now. 

FLY!!!

Dammit Tom Cruise for some reason this is all up to you even though you were like 3rd or 4th choice to fly and you've pretty much only fucked up through the whole movie. but everyone is counting in you and saying 'dammit Meverick!'

Yaaaay! That was super good flying!! Everyone loved it! 

Tom Cruise is sad, but vindicated. 

Okay Tom Cruise apparently you've achieved all you can do in the field of emotional plane flying, what's next?

Oh, hey lady Tom Cruise had sex with. They're going to have sex again.

Super awesome 80's music

The end. 

This post is primarily brought to you by Jose Cuervo

I got on the computer for something, which I think was to look for a recipe for tilapia fish tacos, which brought me to Pinterest, and we all know how that goes. Also, I'm on like my....4th margarita, so..there's that.

I'd like to point out how much care I am putting in to correcting my drunk errors right now. Your welcome.

Anyway, while I came to the computer to briefly look for a fish taco recipe while my husband assembles the grill, I suddenly remembered I have a blog.

I'm sorry I forgot you, blog.

The following things have happened:

Quit my job
Got a new one
Got married
Went on an amazing honeymoon
Got drunk....a lot
AND enrolled in school

So, as you can see, there have been more important issues at hand. HOWEVER I am free to be a bum for the next two weeks which means more Jose Cuervo for me, AND I will be working from HOME. I could totally go to work naked if I wanted to. Isn't that awesome?

SO, just stopped by to say HI, blog. Still here! I'll be back soon!

Apparently the main ingredient in Friskies is LSD

For the last four days, this has been my cat:

Apparently instead of sending him home with meds like I am used to, they just injected him full of pain killers and antibiotics that last seven days. They also took out five of his teeth, so basically my cat is a meth head. He's been walking around for days not making a peep with pupils the size of his head. I haven't seen him sleep once, and he is SUPER affectionate with the dogs. Like, uncomfortably affectionate. One of the dogs and the other cat are making sure to keep their distance, but the other dog definitely doesn't know what to do in a rape situation. He refuses to move from the kitchen because he believes anything that hits the floor is not only entirely edible, but incredibly delicious. His love of food is so great, that he is willing to let himself be used rather than miss eating a bread crumb. He sits in the kitchen and lets the cat violate him and then stares at the floor in what I assume is shame and disbelief for the next 15 minutes or so.

Definitely a meth cat.

Everyday I've come in the kitchen and he is sitting on the floor on top of a kitchen towel staring at his reflection in the dishwasher. I don't even know how the towel got there in the first place, but it has now become a comfort to him during his seven day acid trip. And every time we touch him he loses all muscle control and melts to the floor in a furry, giant eyeballed, purring mess.  He has also decided that now is good time to start taking up Parkour.

On Sunday the dog hurt his knee. He had some pain killers from a previous knee surgery, so we gave him one. This is the dog that wanted nothing to do with him before, but they were immediately drawn to each other. It was like two stoners finding each other amidst a sea of sober people and looking into each others eyes and just knowing that they were kindred spirits. They spent the day together in the living room I assume having the following conversation:

Cat: I feel like I've been high for like.....daaaaayyyss man....
Dog: What was that sound? Did you hear that? There's someone outside! ::barks::
Cat: Hahahaha, you're hilarious man. Let's cuddle.
Dog: Hey where's that guy? You know what would be awesome right now? Cookies! You should totally get that guy to give us some cookies.
Cat: Catnip man. We need some catnip.
Dog: Yeah, catnip and cookies. Get that dude's attention. He's just sitting there.
Cat: I know a guy, he can hook us up. I'll get him over here.
Dog: Someone's here?! I knew someone was here! ::barkbarkbarkbark::
Cat: Wanna see me jump real high???
Dog: ::barkbarkbarkbark::
Cat: Do you want to hold paws? I mean..just as friends, you know?
Dog: Dude, you're really startin' to freak me out right now.
Cat: It doesn't mean anything man. It's just..nice sometimes..between friends
Dog: Shhhh...here comes that cat....
They both stare as Panda quickly and nervously walks past
Cat: Man...she is such a bitch.

I instructed my fiance to just put on Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and leave them alone in the dark.

Also, judging from these Friskies commercials, the cat food we have been feeding him could just be facilitating his high. We could very well be living in a house full of junkies and feeding them their daily dose of LSD. That could explain why the dog tries to break down the door to get their left overs too. All of my pets are stoned out of their damn minds and I'm their supplier. Friskies even offers entertainment for the stoned cat in the form of games you can download on your iPad and such. Now I have to decided if I want to continue to support Friskies and their weird desire to get every cat in America high as a kite. Or live with a bunch of junkie cats coming down off their drugs in what I assume will be a very messy and violent ordeal.

How can you easily come back to reality after this?:

 

You can't. I know if I was living in a reality where I got to ride on a carp and dance with turkeys in a magical field of wonder I wouldn't want to come off of it either.

And look at this cat. He's so addicted that he can sense the tiniest portion of food left all the way across the house like under some furniture, and doesn't even give a shit that he's waking up the whole house and has to like army crawl across the floor to get a fix:

 Look at those eyes. That is the face of a cat that is willing to murder to get his fuckin Friskies. He probably just came back from rehab and his owners are gonna kick him out and he's gonna be on the streets selling his body soon. Thanks a lot, Friskies.

I don't want to be mauled by cats in my sleep, and I don't want prostitute cats. So I guess I'll just keep feeding their habit.

Oh, and I want to state that despite like...4 out of 6 posts or something being about cats. I'm not one of those people who sits around in real life and talks about nothing but cats all day. At least...I don't think I am. No one has told me I am...but that could explain why I don't have much of a social life.  I'm pretty sure I'm not though cause I once knew a girl who did nothing but talk about horses all day. She didn't even HAVE a horse. But I was pretty sure she was going to be a serial killer one day. I think I would know if people thought I was going to be a serial killer. Also, in retrospect I now totally question my fiance's choice in women cause he was about to date that crazy horse girl before we started going out. He probably would have ended up dead if I hadn't have come along. So really, I saved his life. I have left him the following note to find upon his return home:

"Please feed the cats cause I don't want to end up hogtied in the basement with cute, murderous little faces staring at me trying to decide whether or not to sell my organs on the black market, and you're welcome for being alive."

And I promise my next post will not be about cats. Or horses.

Blogging is hard work...

Trying to figure all this blog stuff out!

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To save this from being a completely pointless post, I am going to include these photos of drunk animals: You're welcome.

My cat the hobo

The Cat has a dental appointment today. This means that he was not allowed any food after 8:00 PM last night. His breakfast was supposed to be an hour ago and he is in full on panic mode. 

After 40 minutes of running around meowing and at times making a weird groaning sound as loudly as possible he then decided to come sit on top of me and stare ominously down at me for several minutes. When this did not work he snapped. I mean literally snapped. I saw him change from his normal mildly insane self to full blown off his rocker bat shit crazy in seconds. 

 

Here is what that looked like:

 

 

 

It's like once he realized that he was not going to be fed this morning he reverted immediately back to his hobo roots. He has been sneaking about the house investigating everything he comes across to see if it is edible. He is putting himself in weird, unsuspecting places and leaping out in anger and insanity at whatever human or animal happens to come by and when he has effectively scared the shit out of them he darts off into the shadows like some confused, disgruntled super hero. He has attempted to do a full on nose dive into the open bag of dog food, has for some reason decided the cord to my phone charger is a good form of sustenance and has made several attempts to pull it right out of my hands. He is creepily following behind Panda (the other cat) and when she turns to look at him he stops and stares her right in the eye until she turns back around, then for whatever reason he ambushes her from behind and either bites her head or smacks her ass. He has successfully made everyone in the house uncomfortable and the dogs refuse to make eye contact with him. He has also tried multiple times to rush out the door when I let the dogs out because he is now entirely convinced that he lives in a house of torture. Because he did not get breakfast.

The other two cats are less phased. Panda being the princess she is does not want anyone aware of how dependent she is on humans. She just comes over and throws all the cute she can muster right in your face until you feel compelled to reward her with food and love and expensive jewels and fuzzy leopard print blankets because she is just so incredibly adorable. Though at this point I think she is more traumatized from being beaten and molested. While the other cat is geriatric and fell asleep 15 minutes after the normal scheduled breakfast time and will forget any of this ever happened when she wakes up. 

You must think I'm pretty gullible, Pinterest . Well......I probably am.

Sometimes I wonder if the stuff on Pinterest is just a joke someone made up in hopes of people actually doing the stuff they suggest. Rub coffee grounds, baking soda and cinnamon on your legs to get a closer shave! Want to be tan? Just rub a tea bag all over your body! Fuller, thicker head of hair? Eat walnuts and dunk your head into a bucket of mayonnaise! Want a firmer butt? Just sit in a bathtub full of green jello! Want to get rid of acne? rub an old banana covered in cheese on your face!

I just made up the last two. Don't do those things. You'll probably end up with break outs and a green ass. But who is to say the others aren't just made up? Who figures that stuff out anyway? Even if coffee grounds DO help with a smoother shave, who the hell is the person who thought, "I'm out of shaving cream, this coffee will do!"

And the immense feeling of ridiculousness when actually doing these things is almost more than the potential benefit is worth. DIY body wrap? Okay. I am going to get half naked and coat my body from head to toe in a bizarre concoction of kitchen and food items, wrap myself in a Saran Wrap cocoon and then lay in bed under the covers for an hour with the heat blaring.

A. That is incredibly uncomfortable. Did I mention you're in a SARAN WRAP COCOON?

B. people pay for this for a reason. While I am all for saving a dollar something tells me that my makeshift body wrap that is dripping all over the floor, falling off and has just made a mess of my bed with body oils and sweat is nothing close to the real, professional thing.

And C. You better hope no one comes home, or knocks on your door. You feel enough shame when your animals look at you like you are some sort of swamp creature who ate their real parents, but what the hell are you going to say when your husband walks in in the middle of the day and you're laying in bed covered in weird oils and herbs and such, wrapped tightly in Saran Wrap and towels, under 6 blankets with a portable heater in front of you?

Your only options are to claim a heavy bout of day drinking and a Project Runway Marathon, or possibly sexual role playing. If he's into Dexter the Saran Wrap might help. In either case it probably sounds better than "Pinterest told me to."

And then afterward you realize you just spent like three hours (five hours if you count from the time you sat at the computer just to check email and some how ended up on Pinterest staring at pictures of food for two hours and stumbled upon this idea to begin with) on this "DIY" body wrap and it did absolutely nothing for you. Then you shamefully clean yourself up and curse Pinterest and go do something productive to make yourself feel better. But it's okay, because Pinterest is like an abusive relationship and you just can't stay away, so you'll find yourself back on it later that day and end up making a facial mask of honey, Pepto Bismol, and aspirin before you go to bed, because Pinterest told you to.

I'm pretty sure I'm past the appropriate age to be up at this hour...

3 hours ago, I was exhausted. The instant I got in bed my brain said? "No. You had like 15 Pepsi Max's today. This is what you get." Suddenly I was very concerned with all the worlds problems, and can not sleep because my brain believes that stressing out over things that I generally have no control over and losing sleep is a good thing.

So I have been lying here awake for the last three hours and silently freaking out to myself as my fiance slumbers LOUDLY, but peacefully next to me. The following is a list of things that have come to me out of nowhere to terrorize me in the night:

"What was that? Is that rustling outside?"

"Snow? But why? How much? That can't be right..they're never right...but whyyy?" I'd like to note that I was aware of the snow prior to my failed attempt to sleep, but did not care at the time. My brain suddenly decided it should panic.

"Why is he snoring so much? Does he do that all the time? What if he has sleep apnea? What is that again? Can't he die from that? Maybe I should wake him up." My next thought was to plug his nose and wake him that way but since I think sleep apnea makes him stop breathing in his sleep I would probably just be helping it. So instead, I hit him.

"Okay I'm pretty sure that was rustling."

"I need to go clean the kitchen! I left clay magnets out and the cat is going to throw them around and eat them!" (my cat eating clay is a logical worry, fyi.) "I just need to make a space for my crafting stuff" this thought quickly turned into "Dear god I'm turning into my grandma. She had a whole room just for beads. BEADS. Is this my future?"

"Spider!! Was that a spider?! That felt like a spider!"

"Maybe I should make some tea." The next 30 minutes consisted of me debating on wether or not to go make tea, then if I were to make tea what kind of tea would I want. Also that I don't have a nice tea cup and I should probably make one and then another 10 minutes thinking about what designs I would put on the cup if I were to make one. Which I decided upon as a bag of tea....in retrospect probably not the most original idea.

"Why was Captain Picard so angry in that episode of Star Trek tonight? It's like he wanted nothing at all to do with the Enterprise. He just wanted to go horse back riding and drink Earl Grey. What the fuck is up with that? I need to demand a back story to that episode."

"Dammit what the hell is that? Is it a squirrel or something? What kind of weirdo squirrel would be up at this hour in the snow hanging out outside of my bedroom window? Probably a murderous one..."

Then approximately 13 minutes thinking about Wil Wheaton.

Then a genuine feeling of distress over having to wake up and put on real human clothes in the morning.

"Maybe I should wake Garrett up to make tea. He probably wants some. It'll help with his not breathing."

Then after quite a few smacks to make Garrett stop snoring and or wake up to make tea "You should stop hitting him. He bruises easily and people already think you beat him when you go out in public together." To which I'd like to add, I do not....except for tonight. He's asleep though. It's not really beating someone unless they're awake.

And this is all accompanied by several thoughts of I am going to be so incredibly tired tomorrow. Which is true. As I am now getting a migraine. Still hearing rustling.

Also if anyone with an iPhone can tell me how to turn off the incredibly obnoxious British woman that loudly and RUDELY corrects spelling and grammar errors it would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I have an bitchy judgemental British woman in my pocket yelling out all my faults. Also it's really not effective for texting in public when she's loudly shouting out things I type for the world to hear.

Thank you