Apparently the main ingredient in Friskies is LSD

For the last four days, this has been my cat:

Apparently instead of sending him home with meds like I am used to, they just injected him full of pain killers and antibiotics that last seven days. They also took out five of his teeth, so basically my cat is a meth head. He's been walking around for days not making a peep with pupils the size of his head. I haven't seen him sleep once, and he is SUPER affectionate with the dogs. Like, uncomfortably affectionate. One of the dogs and the other cat are making sure to keep their distance, but the other dog definitely doesn't know what to do in a rape situation. He refuses to move from the kitchen because he believes anything that hits the floor is not only entirely edible, but incredibly delicious. His love of food is so great, that he is willing to let himself be used rather than miss eating a bread crumb. He sits in the kitchen and lets the cat violate him and then stares at the floor in what I assume is shame and disbelief for the next 15 minutes or so.

Definitely a meth cat.

Everyday I've come in the kitchen and he is sitting on the floor on top of a kitchen towel staring at his reflection in the dishwasher. I don't even know how the towel got there in the first place, but it has now become a comfort to him during his seven day acid trip. And every time we touch him he loses all muscle control and melts to the floor in a furry, giant eyeballed, purring mess.  He has also decided that now is good time to start taking up Parkour.

On Sunday the dog hurt his knee. He had some pain killers from a previous knee surgery, so we gave him one. This is the dog that wanted nothing to do with him before, but they were immediately drawn to each other. It was like two stoners finding each other amidst a sea of sober people and looking into each others eyes and just knowing that they were kindred spirits. They spent the day together in the living room I assume having the following conversation:

Cat: I feel like I've been high for like.....daaaaayyyss man....
Dog: What was that sound? Did you hear that? There's someone outside! ::barks::
Cat: Hahahaha, you're hilarious man. Let's cuddle.
Dog: Hey where's that guy? You know what would be awesome right now? Cookies! You should totally get that guy to give us some cookies.
Cat: Catnip man. We need some catnip.
Dog: Yeah, catnip and cookies. Get that dude's attention. He's just sitting there.
Cat: I know a guy, he can hook us up. I'll get him over here.
Dog: Someone's here?! I knew someone was here! ::barkbarkbarkbark::
Cat: Wanna see me jump real high???
Dog: ::barkbarkbarkbark::
Cat: Do you want to hold paws? I mean..just as friends, you know?
Dog: Dude, you're really startin' to freak me out right now.
Cat: It doesn't mean anything man. It's just..nice sometimes..between friends
Dog: Shhhh...here comes that cat....
They both stare as Panda quickly and nervously walks past
Cat: Man...she is such a bitch.

I instructed my fiance to just put on Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and leave them alone in the dark.

Also, judging from these Friskies commercials, the cat food we have been feeding him could just be facilitating his high. We could very well be living in a house full of junkies and feeding them their daily dose of LSD. That could explain why the dog tries to break down the door to get their left overs too. All of my pets are stoned out of their damn minds and I'm their supplier. Friskies even offers entertainment for the stoned cat in the form of games you can download on your iPad and such. Now I have to decided if I want to continue to support Friskies and their weird desire to get every cat in America high as a kite. Or live with a bunch of junkie cats coming down off their drugs in what I assume will be a very messy and violent ordeal.

How can you easily come back to reality after this?:

 

You can't. I know if I was living in a reality where I got to ride on a carp and dance with turkeys in a magical field of wonder I wouldn't want to come off of it either.

And look at this cat. He's so addicted that he can sense the tiniest portion of food left all the way across the house like under some furniture, and doesn't even give a shit that he's waking up the whole house and has to like army crawl across the floor to get a fix:

 Look at those eyes. That is the face of a cat that is willing to murder to get his fuckin Friskies. He probably just came back from rehab and his owners are gonna kick him out and he's gonna be on the streets selling his body soon. Thanks a lot, Friskies.

I don't want to be mauled by cats in my sleep, and I don't want prostitute cats. So I guess I'll just keep feeding their habit.

Oh, and I want to state that despite like...4 out of 6 posts or something being about cats. I'm not one of those people who sits around in real life and talks about nothing but cats all day. At least...I don't think I am. No one has told me I am...but that could explain why I don't have much of a social life.  I'm pretty sure I'm not though cause I once knew a girl who did nothing but talk about horses all day. She didn't even HAVE a horse. But I was pretty sure she was going to be a serial killer one day. I think I would know if people thought I was going to be a serial killer. Also, in retrospect I now totally question my fiance's choice in women cause he was about to date that crazy horse girl before we started going out. He probably would have ended up dead if I hadn't have come along. So really, I saved his life. I have left him the following note to find upon his return home:

"Please feed the cats cause I don't want to end up hogtied in the basement with cute, murderous little faces staring at me trying to decide whether or not to sell my organs on the black market, and you're welcome for being alive."

And I promise my next post will not be about cats. Or horses.