Top Gun in 5 Minutes or Less

Here's some planes and cool 80's music. This movie will be fantastic! We so know what we're doing here. 

Planes flying

Hello I'm Tom cruise and I'm piloting a plane and young and sexy and NOT a crazy Scientologist weirdo and I can casually ride a motorcycle super well. 

Hello I'm Anthony Edwards and I will die and you know that and you will be sad but you will still watch even though you know I die because I am mildly attractive and will end up on ER which will be like super popular.

Oh you guys, what a bunch of jokers! Haha.

I'm Val Kilmer and I'm like barely in this movie but I'm also incredibly attractive and we all have adorably sexy nick names for each other which people will reference for like, ever. 

Here's some attractive men talking.

Here we are randomly in a bar and singing a song together to a lady who none of us know. Isn't this nice?

And actually Anthony Edwards might be a good singer if Tom Cruise didn't totally be a diva and take over the scene. Anthony Edwards got screwed all around in this movie. 

Oh, hey, that lady we creepily sang to last night, yeah, apparently she's our teacher. She's hot.

Planes flying. 

Dammit Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards, why can't you just follow the rules???

Gratuitous shirtless, sweaty, sexy men playing volleyball.

Hey let's have some sex...wait nevermind.

We're going to make sure you know thatAnthony Edwards has a family so that way you are EXTRA sad when he dies.

Okay, now lets really have sex because I've decided I'm in love with you even though we've only shared like two sexual tension filled conversations together. This was the part where my parents and or babysitter would put me to bed. Now that I watch it its akin to a children's show. If my parents and or babysitter saw the movies I'm watching now I think they may have a stroke. You don't want me to watch the super tame sex scene of Top Gun? Alright, well lets just watch Human Centipede instead.

More plane stuff.

More group singing only this time it's sad cause you know what's about to fuckin happen.

Goose dies :0 what the fuckin fuck??? Nobody saw that coming!

Sad

Everyone is sad

 Look here, Tom Cruise I understand you're like super sad, but if you want this movie to work you need buck the fuck up. You're still a pilot dammit Tom Cruise, so shut up and fly!

Planes flying but Tom Cruise is totally not feeling it cause of the sadness.

He's SO sad you guys.

Okay, I know you're sad, but seriously there's some important flying shit that you and Val Kilmer need to do right now. 

FLY!!!

Dammit Tom Cruise for some reason this is all up to you even though you were like 3rd or 4th choice to fly and you've pretty much only fucked up through the whole movie. but everyone is counting in you and saying 'dammit Meverick!'

Yaaaay! That was super good flying!! Everyone loved it! 

Tom Cruise is sad, but vindicated. 

Okay Tom Cruise apparently you've achieved all you can do in the field of emotional plane flying, what's next?

Oh, hey lady Tom Cruise had sex with. They're going to have sex again.

Super awesome 80's music

The end.